The Fault In My Stars

I just finished reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. It took me a little longer to read than most people because when I really love a book, I don't want it to end, so I spread it out over a few weeks to make it last longer. Even though it is a fictional novel, it still makes me ponder death, as all books or movies do when there is death in them.

As time has gone on, as I have gotten older, I have begun to have more questions about death. I guess I have started to fear it. When my mom died 10 years ago, I never really thought about what death really was, I just accepted that I would never see her again unless it was in my dreams. I was the person who was affected by her death, along with others, but I never thought of what it would be like to affect others by dying.

Although I am still young, our time here is so uncertain. I guess that is what I fear the most, and I guess that is what has helped me guide my life lately. I want to feel that if I die tomorrow that I would be content on how I lived my life. My actions lately have all be strategic moves towards achieving happiness and the feeling of being content in this chess game of life.

I used to fear having children, for the fear that I would leave this earth and therefore them before I was ready, or I thought they would be ready. I didn't want to get married because that would mean I would have no real attachments. It wasn't until I realized why I didn't want these things that I realized that I feared dying and the unknown.

In the last six months, I was able to realize that I was unable to achieve happiness because I was living in fear and therefore I was not living. I've made a vow to live my life selfishly for things that I want, and in turn I would take care of myself as best as I can so I can live this life as long as I can. I believe in spirits and afterlife but I only get this life on earth once. Living for today so I can live for tomorrow has been part of my quest to choose happy and choose healthy. I don't see how I could ever regret either of those things.

There's people that won't ever get to live another day, or live another day the way they would want to. How could I be so selfish as to not live my life for fear of not being able to live anymore or live the way I want to.

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you."

You can't help being hurt by having those you love die, but I'd rather hurt than never know them at all.

In loving memory of My Mother, Cindy Fichera, My Grandfather, Pat Cambria, My Grandmother, Alice Fichera, My Aunt, Wendy Cambria, My Uncle, Jeff Cambria, and My Friend, Johnny.